Life According to Me

While on vacation(in the United States) I saw these products on the shelves of a local store. They now reside in my medicine cabinet...because they are awesome . Because green snot from a pissed off gorilla to style your hair is a great idea. I don't know WTF a Hongo is, but I definitely got some of this in the event of a Hongo attack. Always be prepared, I say.

"If you dont' have anything nice to say..." Glad that's over. Moral: If you're gonna STFU for a very long time, you better have learned something good like- The grass is pretty freaking rad on this side of the fence. OR...Mean people are sad little pieces of dung who will get eaten first in a Zombie attack. OR...Too many Margaritas in the afternoon sun will definitely get you wastey pants...and/or pregnant. Silence is golden? Not anymore...

I've been lying about my age... to my 8 year old. It began so innocently, like any good old fashioned deception...   Three years ago, on my birthday, Kid Two asked me how old I was. I told him to guess. I know...that was really taking a risk, because if he had said fifty-three I would have locked myself in my room with a magnum of wine and a straw and ugly cried. He didn't even have to think. "Thirty".  I was actually thirty-six, so I was all flattered and everything. He was 5 at the time, so the fact that I like, "believed" he knew what he was talking about says a lot about how lame I am. Here's where I get even lamer(That is a real word according to Urban Dictionary)... I totally told him he was right . And then I hugged him and he became my favorite child. My 40th(it really hurt to type that) will have its way with me in 5 months. Mark and my well meaning family have been talking about it in the presence of myself(like I died already or something)...

What I've learned so far... Any meal can seem fabulous if you eat it off of the good dishes and use cloth napkins. Pizza is a good example. I believe in magic. I know this because when I kiss the boo boo on Kid Two's elbow, it is m a g i c a l l y  healed. Never skimp on laundry soap. Buy the good stuff that smells amazing. I ♥ Gain. At home, put fresh linens on the beds before leaving on vacation. When you get back, climbing into those delicious crisp, fresh linens will be bliss There is free money in the laundry room...in the dryer to be specific. I know this because Kid Two told me. Perfection is overrated. so are cake pops, boobs and lobster. Lip gloss and giant sunglasses are a girls best friend in the morning carpool. The laundry will never , ever be finished. oye . Breakfast for dinner = "Best mom ever" status. Capers, shaved parmesan, and fire roasted tomatoes are a kitchen staple. That one hour lost when we spring forw...

This is a confession...kinda. Sometimes I just get distracted and the chores that beg to be done just don't get the attention they deserve. These chores do not judge me. They're always still there...waiting patiently. Honestly, I wish they jump off a cliff... Now, I eventually have to show the chores some love, but in the interim, here's my "about to be not so secret " slacker housewife's method to cleaning house. Swish some Pine Sol in the toilets Shove the laundry in the hamper, then get in there and stomp it down so you can add some more. Fluff the pillows on the couch/beds. Throw some refrigerator cookies in the oven(smells like Martha Stewart lives here). Vacuum the carpet in a pretty uniformed line pattern(draws the eye away from the dusty bookshelves). Spray some pledge in each room. Put on a super hot apron(yes they make them, and they... are... awesome ), your highest heels and some strawberry lipgloss(distracts "husband" fro...

In regard to children, sometimes the answer to a question, is a question. Question:                Where do babies come from? Answer:                Where do you think they come from? Kid Answer:                 Love and Dads. Exactly...and sometimes too much wine at Thanksgiving dinner.                                                                                                                                   Question:                Why did you and dad lock your bedroom door? An...

Dear Little(literally) Dog Who Lives Behind Me, My fruitless attempts to befriend you,have left me frustrated.  Sigh. I've tried chatting with you sweetly, through the fence, trying to stroke your little doggie ego. But, alas, you still bark at me All. Day. Long. Although you're one of those delicate little, hybrid, sweater wearing purse dogs, I'm convinced you believe your a gigantic gorilla beast. The way you attack the fence like Cujo while I'm watering the plants is impressive. Monsieur Bonaparte, I presume? You must possess Jedi powers, because when I am in   my very own house , vacuuming,  you sense this disturbance in the force.  How do I know?  You bolt out of your little doggie door and let me have it with your incessant barking...until I stop my chore.  When we swim, BBQ, play, blow bubbles, entertain guests...your barking is our back ground music.   You must have enormous self esteem to be so boisterous especially when, if so inclin...