Life According to Me

Math and I are are not homies. No kind of math. Not even like the fourth grade kind of math. Which, by the way, is totally algebra. what the hell?  I help out in Kid Two's class once a week. I just so happen to be there during their math lesson. awwwesome. His teacher will occasionally send the kids who need a little extra help to come sit with me at the back of the class. On one occasion, the smartest kid in class came and sat with me. oh crap. I put on my super confidence face and helped him get to the answer. He then took his seat at the front of the room. Once the kids were finished, the teacher and the class went over and corrected the problems together. When she got to the problem that Captain Mathlete needed help with, she read the answer aloud. hmmm. interesting. that's not the answer I got. El Capitan whipped around in his chair, made severely disappointed, pissed off eye contact with me and mouthed "ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!" Nope, kid. That's no jo

Why do kids always want a dog? My kids have been asking since...well, since the history of ever. The answer is ALWAYS a solid (hellls)NO. I know what happens if we get a dog. Know how I know? Because we have a fish(he is fish #5, btw), a cat and a hamster. We've had butterflies(twice!) an ant farm, praying mantises and silk moths. That last grouping counts as pets because guess who feeds them and worries about them and loves them? Yours truly. So,they are all technically MY pets, and I DO NOT want to add a dog to the menagerie. My dear sweet friend, who shall remain nameless to protect her awesomness, had a little puppy follow her home as she was walking her dog. This little doggie follower was all puppy and sweet and...puppy. She called me, and it went like this: "Friend(?!?!) this sweet little puppy followed me home and I HAVE to find him a home and I think that's why God put him in my path because I could find him a home and no one will claim him and I need to fin

I am forever having to remind my boys to shave(Kid One-17) and brush teeth(Kid Two-9). Kid Two will find any reason not to brush. -I just drank orange juice -I'm going to eat again in a little while -Why can't I just chew gum -I brushed my teeth yesterday... Oy. It was nearing bedtime a few evenings ago. Kid Two cuddled up to me on the couch. He smelled so minty fresh! "You brushed your teeth without me nagging you?! Good job!" I hugged him.  Kid Two looked at me in some kind of shock I think, as if he had just discovered The Secret to The History of Ever (Ooooooo...) "Candy Canes work!?  I didn't brush my teeth, but   you  thought I DID (??!) All I did was eat a candy cane...and it WORKED!" Ummm, news flash little homeslice...That only works if you're Kes$ha and you're gonna rinse with a bottle of Jack after your candy cane "toothbrushing". "Not even the 10th dentist would agree with you on this one and he cou

Kid Two is playing soccer. On the first day of practice he had a question... Kid Two: What is my coaches name? Me: According to his voicemail message, his name is, Ulysses Valasques Chaves Padillo. Kid Two: Ummm...I think I'll just call him Coach. Well played, Kid.

Dear Mother Nature, Enough already. Thanks in advance, Super Over It In Cali

In the culinary world, knife skills are important. Kid One scares the crap out of me every time he practices his. So far, he still has all of his fingers. He has only messed with me on one occasion by pretending to slice off his knuckles. And...It was only on that one occasion because I lost my shizz screaming, "Ohmygodohmygodohmygod!!" Not funny. But I still think you are rad.❤