Life According to Me

There's been 7 Wednesday's since school began. On hump day, both Kid One and Kid Two have modified schedules. Kid One goes in and hour later. Kid Two gets out 30 minuets early. Wicked. Each week, I dread this day. The kids LOVE it. Their day is short. So is mine . Boooooo . For 7 weeks now, Wednesday has come and gone. No problem. I've got this. Until Yesterday. I was using up every last iota of a nano second I had before heading to the dreadful carpool pick-up. I wasn't in a hurry. I had plenty of time. As I turned the corner to the school...my thoughts came in slow motion. No one's here. No busses. No painfully long carpool line. No kids. Nobody. Crap. It's WEDNESDAY. I am late! I park and sprint walk casually up to the school, only to find myself at the end of the "very forgetful parent" line. I am LAST. I am the most forgetful parent. The line of shame. The corraled children are wearing masks of disappointment. T...

I decided to finish what I started, a husband, a couple of kids, 7 moves and many bottles of wine ago. College. Math was always a challenge for me, and I've discovered, it still is. All those letters, shapes, numbers, charts, graphs... It's like ancient cave drawings. Hieroglyphics. I don't want to know how to get to the river. I just want to balance my check book. When I have math homework, I erase... A LOT. I've used up every eraserhead on every pencil in the house. On a recent visit to my parents home, my Dad asks Kid Two how I am doing in school. "She's terrible at math. All she does is erase." My Dad, trying to steer the conversation in a more positive direction, says, "Well...I'll bet in the end, she's going to be very good." "Yeah. (sarcastic chuckle) At ERASING." Hey.  Kid Two.  Remember... I prepare all of your meals. I'm just sayin'...

And so it goes, in the Land of Mommiedom You get on the phone with a friend who's 3,000 miles away. The kids will behave like Lord Of The Flies. Savages . Your hands are wrist deep, mashing up meatloaf. Someone will ask you to open a band-aid. The last load of Sunday laundry is folded and put away. A wad of P.E. clothes will appear on top of the hamper. Needed tomorrow at the crack of coffee. You finally make time for a pedicure. Hope they have a belt sander. It's been a while. Your phone will ring and it's school. A child who belongs to you has thrown up the entire contents of his stomach. You've just spent two hours scrubbing floors, Cinderella style. Someone will parade through with dirt laden cleats. Oh, Fairy Godmother? Where the heck are you?! It's 11pm and you finally put your sleepy self in bed. Someone will tap quietly on the bedroom door and ask, "Do we have purple duct tape and pipe cleaners?" Sure. This is Bed Bath and Bey...

A weekend of baking samples had me suffering from the major Mom guilts. Kid two was bored. Painfully bored. I start throwing out suggestions: Playdough Read Draw Movie Video Games Outside Build a fort.... Silence . I look up from what I'm doing and see his puzzled face. Then he speaks the words that make me realize I have clearly failed as a mother. Build a fort....What's a fort? I laid down my icing bag, and untied my apron. "Come with me..." I led him to the linen closet. I pulled out every sheet set. We gathered all the chairs....and we built a fort. He begged me to keep it till the next day. That was Saturday, today is Wedensday. My living room is a fort.. .still. Mom guilt, buh-bye.