Life According to Me

I was watering in the garden when I almost stuck my head in this...

I write a lot about my cat.   As a general rule, I do not like cats. But my little cat...well, he is awesome. He thinks he is better than me in every way, and seems to enjoy letting me know it. The other day when I arrived home from picking up Kid Two at school, I didn't get out of my car right away. Kid Two wanted to climb the tree in the front yard, and the cozy warmth of my car kept me planted. So...I played Angry Birds on my phone. A few minutes went by when I felt the car rock gently. EARTHQUAKE...wait...no(?) we don't have earthquakes. I looked up...Kid Two is still climbing the tree. But, directly in front of me sitting on the hood of my car was my cat, in all his judgemental glory.  You see that...It's his Silence of The Lambs face. Awesome . And creepy . It puts the lotion in the basket.

Kid Two tells me he invited Carlos to come to our house for a hangover. Huh? A hangover? Me: You invited him to come over to watch the Hangover? pleasesaynopleasesaynopleasesayno... He looks at me for a second, slowly shakes his head in dissapointment and repeats himself. Slowly...So I will U N D E R S T A N D. F O R   A   H A N G O V E R...you know...like come "H A N G  O U T?!" He even made air quotes with his little smarty-man eight year old fingers. ME: Oh. very well, then. Cuz don't be inviting third graders to come over to watch the Hangover. You'll get me kicked out of the Parents Club, K? Ok. T H A N K S. Hangover (v.) to hang out. Duh.

Yesterday I saw a man walking his cat. At first, it didn't register that it was a cat on the leash. I picked it up visually like, man-leash-dog, THEN it clicked...CAT. I was in my car, driving, and not like driving in my neighborhood or the parking lot of Petsmart. I was downtown. I was at a traffic light and the man was walking towards me on the side walk. He would take a few steps, then lift the with cat with the leash and drag it up to meet him. You know...walking the cat. I couldn't help but think, "Is that cat really enjoying his walk?" I mean, he IS a cat. They kind of do whatever the heck they want and I doubt going for a walk is on the bucket list. I just couldn't imagine that when the man jingled the leash and said "Kitty Kitty...let's go for a walk!", that the cat got all crazy-tail-wagging-giddy and ran to the front door. I imagined that KittyKitty probably quietly spewed some fantastic curse words at the man and then hid under the couch. ...

Mark thinks I am the best  I would rather clean all of my neighbors toilets than fold my own laundry. It is my most despised chore. I'm a bad ass at the washing part, but matching socks and and figuring out the debacle that is the fitted sheet...totally painful. So, I wash and wash and wash, and what I end up with is a mountain of clothes that needs to be folded. Yesterday, I sat on the floor with my mountain in front of me. Folding suuuuuuucks. A few items in, I found a dollar. Under my breath I muttered,   finders keepers... Kid Two was nearby and came to investigate. He announced that, that may very well be his dollar. Too bad so sad, sucker. And in my disgruntled state, I told him that it was mine now because whoever folds the laundry gets to keep any money they find . An occupational bonus. Kid Two is fascinated by this. He wants to know if I've ever found a twenty. Totally...and fives and even a wad that equaled, like fifty bucks. He makes me an offer I can...

welcome to the gun show Mark is a total gym rat. It is his addiction. I like wine, he likes muscles. Different strokes for different folks... I was away on holiday with the kids, so he would occasionally text me photos of his day. One day he was extra stoked about his gym visit, and he texted me a photo of himself...and his guns. Nothing scandalous...but my husband shirtless and flexing ...in the mirror. Here's our conversation: Mark: Just so you know, I sent this to my colleague at the office before I sent it to you...ugh. Me: Did he tell your muscles are hot? Mark: Ugh!!! I'm on my way to the office now... Me: Well...have an awesome day, Hercules.  Mark: You suck.  Moral: Accidental texting makes for a totally awkward day at work.

While on vacation(in the United States) I saw these products on the shelves of a local store. They now reside in my medicine cabinet...because they are awesome . Because green snot from a pissed off gorilla to style your hair is a great idea. I don't know WTF a Hongo is, but I definitely got some of this in the event of a Hongo attack. Always be prepared, I say.