Life According to Me

In regard to children, sometimes the answer to a question, is a question. Question:                Where do babies come from? Answer:                Where do you think they come from? Kid Answer:                 Love and Dads. Exactly...and sometimes too much wine at Thanksgiving dinner.                                                                                                                                   Question:                Why did you and dad lock your bedroom door? An...

Dear Little(literally) Dog Who Lives Behind Me, My fruitless attempts to befriend you,have left me frustrated.  Sigh. I've tried chatting with you sweetly, through the fence, trying to stroke your little doggie ego. But, alas, you still bark at me All. Day. Long. Although you're one of those delicate little, hybrid, sweater wearing purse dogs, I'm convinced you believe your a gigantic gorilla beast. The way you attack the fence like Cujo while I'm watering the plants is impressive. Monsieur Bonaparte, I presume? You must possess Jedi powers, because when I am in   my very own house , vacuuming,  you sense this disturbance in the force.  How do I know?  You bolt out of your little doggie door and let me have it with your incessant barking...until I stop my chore.  When we swim, BBQ, play, blow bubbles, entertain guests...your barking is our back ground music.   You must have enormous self esteem to be so boisterous especially when, if so inclin...

It is Wednesday, again. This morning, during the "getting out of the house" chaos, I called out the usual reminders, "Don't forget your books, homework, wallet, phone, lunch, a water..." My very charming husband added one for me..."To pick up our son at school..." Smarty man.

I love chocolate. Any kind of chocolate. See's Candies has something called a Rum Nougat. It's milk chocolate with bits of candied cherries, raisins, english walnuts all folded in cherry nougat. Apparently, it's totally gross to those in my house. Oh...and everyone else I know.  It's the one in the assorted box that gets the ceremonial test bite, then put back in it's little paper cup. Rejected. I LOVE IT. I call it, "my yucky chocolate". Then there's the decadent extra dark. Be still my heart. Dark chocolate is my sin. A few nibbles of 70% cacao is devine. It's dark, rich and completely worth every calorie. In between those nibbles, sips of a hearty red wine(also worth the calories). Ahhhh....yes. Okay. So... I keep this sinful bar of very dark chcolate in the pantry. Kid One and Kid Two, on a chocolate mission of their own, discover my secret stash. They eat it. I only know this, because they come to me in a panic and ask,...

There's been 7 Wednesday's since school began. On hump day, both Kid One and Kid Two have modified schedules. Kid One goes in and hour later. Kid Two gets out 30 minuets early. Wicked. Each week, I dread this day. The kids LOVE it. Their day is short. So is mine . Boooooo . For 7 weeks now, Wednesday has come and gone. No problem. I've got this. Until Yesterday. I was using up every last iota of a nano second I had before heading to the dreadful carpool pick-up. I wasn't in a hurry. I had plenty of time. As I turned the corner to the school...my thoughts came in slow motion. No one's here. No busses. No painfully long carpool line. No kids. Nobody. Crap. It's WEDNESDAY. I am late! I park and sprint walk casually up to the school, only to find myself at the end of the "very forgetful parent" line. I am LAST. I am the most forgetful parent. The line of shame. The corraled children are wearing masks of disappointment. T...

I decided to finish what I started, a husband, a couple of kids, 7 moves and many bottles of wine ago. College. Math was always a challenge for me, and I've discovered, it still is. All those letters, shapes, numbers, charts, graphs... It's like ancient cave drawings. Hieroglyphics. I don't want to know how to get to the river. I just want to balance my check book. When I have math homework, I erase... A LOT. I've used up every eraserhead on every pencil in the house. On a recent visit to my parents home, my Dad asks Kid Two how I am doing in school. "She's terrible at math. All she does is erase." My Dad, trying to steer the conversation in a more positive direction, says, "Well...I'll bet in the end, she's going to be very good." "Yeah. (sarcastic chuckle) At ERASING." Hey.  Kid Two.  Remember... I prepare all of your meals. I'm just sayin'...

And so it goes, in the Land of Mommiedom You get on the phone with a friend who's 3,000 miles away. The kids will behave like Lord Of The Flies. Savages . Your hands are wrist deep, mashing up meatloaf. Someone will ask you to open a band-aid. The last load of Sunday laundry is folded and put away. A wad of P.E. clothes will appear on top of the hamper. Needed tomorrow at the crack of coffee. You finally make time for a pedicure. Hope they have a belt sander. It's been a while. Your phone will ring and it's school. A child who belongs to you has thrown up the entire contents of his stomach. You've just spent two hours scrubbing floors, Cinderella style. Someone will parade through with dirt laden cleats. Oh, Fairy Godmother? Where the heck are you?! It's 11pm and you finally put your sleepy self in bed. Someone will tap quietly on the bedroom door and ask, "Do we have purple duct tape and pipe cleaners?" Sure. This is Bed Bath and Bey...