Life According to Me

I've been here before. Deep into the summer holiday and a Frat boy* sleep schedule. I breed sleepers. It always begins so innocently. A couple sleep ins, and then BAM! We're rising at the crack of lunch. Pizza and coffee on the lido deck. I'm pretty certain staying up to greet 2am, playing poker*, watching movies and satelite chasing isn't condusive to a crack of dawn lifestyle. School begins in a few weeks. Based upon history, we will continue our glutinous habit until we are faced with that first day. Do they make a caffine IV? Can someone get on that... *I use "Frat" here because I am THE ONLY female in my house. This includes el gato. If I can't beat em'.... *Inspired by Red Dead Redemption(I can't even begin to explain) and the movie 21. Yes, that's about black jack. I know.

Burried deep in the back of the game closet in a vacation house, Kid Two found a dusty game of Monoply. Monoply, circa, when I was a kid. Also known as the "Olden Days", according to my little cherubs. Ahhh...yes. This game tortured me in my youth. It involved math and negotiations and it lasted for days. My cousin and I would "play" and she always beat me. Fuuun. Kid Two convinces Kid One to step away from~ slaying zombies fighting the wild west saving the world from war. Ugh. Video games. I busy myself with chores, and feel secretly lucky I didn't get an invite to play. Have fun boys. Hope you packed survival gear. Snatching up properties and utilities takes f o r e v e r. And that's a mighty long time. It seems like only 47 second have passed. Kid Two is standing on the table(pretend you didn't read that, mom) celebrating his victory. Huh? I've just poured a glass of wine. Dug out my book. Settled myself in the last of t...

Overheard at the dinner table. Kid Two asks Kid One: "Do carrots really help you see better?" Kid Two replies: "Yeah...I think so." Then comes Kid Two's brilliant conclusion... "We should totally give ALL of our carrots to mom."

Another shared story. This one has two degrees of separation. When "you" read this, I hope you laugh. It is, hands down, my favorite story from Mommiedom, to date! First time mom is getting ready to have a quick hop in the shower. We moms know what a feat it can be to even schudule one in. Her Kid One is one. Mom is ready to step into a few minutes of bliss, when she remembers she needs to start the dryer in the garage. Mom, in all her nakedness, makes a mad dash to her forgotten chore. First she checks Kid One. All is well She Runs into the garage. Starts dryer. Runs back in house..... What??! The door is locked. She has locked herself out. Mom tiptoes timidly into the back yard, covering her lady bits the best she can with her hand bikini. She chants in a whisper...Please please please let the back door be unlocked. She taps on the glass and tries to explain in mime how to open the door to her Kid One. Ugh. No luck Lightbulb! A while back, her husband ...

Magnifying mirrors should come with a warning. "Objects in mirror will horrify you beyond belief. Use sparingly and as a very last desperate resort. Side effects may include; Disbelief, crying, cursing, increased alchohol cunsumption to soothe your crushed ego." I arrived at this conclusion after ploping myself down, in "great lighting" to clean up my brows. EGADS . When did all of THAT happen?! I only sat in front of the great white ego killer, because I checked myself in the car visor, and disovered I had missed a complete dissary of stragglers. A closer look was eminent. Over plucking terrifies me. I do not want to tattoo my face because I got tweezer happy. Double EGADS! So into the mirror I gazed... Ego crushed. Disbelief. Crap. My solice, though horribly cliché..... It's five o'clock somewhere.

I was not a girly girly growing up.   I rode horses Played soccer  Made mud pies I liked lip gloss, but dirt came in a very close second.  I had road apple* wars with my best friend. The wetter the better.  Digest that for a moment. Got it...? Now you make the throw up sound.  How a boy ever wanted to marry me is like some ironic fairytale.  But one did. And not only did he marry me, he has dazzled me. H e does laundry, dishes, and makes me coffee every morning.   J ust how I like it. He brings me peonies and black licorice, even when I don't deserve it. I'm afraid he'd say that's pretty often! He laughs at my jokes Makes sure I feel loved Buys me feminine hygiene products Talks in funny accents just to make me laugh Eats whatever I make and says it's great even when the pork chops are jerky. Made me feel beautiful when I was pregnant and looked like I had eaten a small family for lunch. He looks inside my wild mind** and...

I'm always so glad to know I'm not the only Mom who sometimes feels like she fell down the rabbit hole. I love to hear my friends crazy stories from the front lines of Mommiedom. Nothing like a great big laugh from your gut to make your day. Occasionally I re-tell their stories here, but I always ask permission with a promise never to divulge names. Here's "Yours". Thanks for making me laugh so hard I snorted. Mom walks into a mall with two young children in tow. The youngest is two. Its springtime and they are there to visit the Easter Bunny. The line is 5 Chinese dragons long. l o n g. They wait one hour. This is Mom's first attempt with her Kid Two at the hallowed Easter Bunny tradition. It's their turn. At this point, Mom is dreaming of getting wasted away again in Margaritaville. She plops, a now screaming Kid Two on Mr. EB's lap. She apologizes to Mr. EB. She tries to reposition Kid two. Kid Two is now crying so passionately ...