Life According to Me

I was not a girly girly growing up.   I rode horses Played soccer  Made mud pies I liked lip gloss, but dirt came in a very close second.  I had road apple* wars with my best friend. The wetter the better.  Digest that for a moment. Got it...? Now you make the throw up sound.  How a boy ever wanted to marry me is like some ironic fairytale.  But one did. And not only did he marry me, he has dazzled me. H e does laundry, dishes, and makes me coffee every morning.   J ust how I like it. He brings me peonies and black licorice, even when I don't deserve it. I'm afraid he'd say that's pretty often! He laughs at my jokes Makes sure I feel loved Buys me feminine hygiene products Talks in funny accents just to make me laugh Eats whatever I make and says it's great even when the pork chops are jerky. Made me feel beautiful when I was pregnant and looked like I had eaten a small family for lunch. He looks inside my wild mind** and...

I'm always so glad to know I'm not the only Mom who sometimes feels like she fell down the rabbit hole. I love to hear my friends crazy stories from the front lines of Mommiedom. Nothing like a great big laugh from your gut to make your day. Occasionally I re-tell their stories here, but I always ask permission with a promise never to divulge names. Here's "Yours". Thanks for making me laugh so hard I snorted. Mom walks into a mall with two young children in tow. The youngest is two. Its springtime and they are there to visit the Easter Bunny. The line is 5 Chinese dragons long. l o n g. They wait one hour. This is Mom's first attempt with her Kid Two at the hallowed Easter Bunny tradition. It's their turn. At this point, Mom is dreaming of getting wasted away again in Margaritaville. She plops, a now screaming Kid Two on Mr. EB's lap. She apologizes to Mr. EB. She tries to reposition Kid two. Kid Two is now crying so passionately ...

I send Kid Two in to take shower. 2.2 minuets later, I hear the water turn off. I go marching in, all full of piss and vinegar, ready to give him a tongue lashing. There's no way he possibly washed everywhere ! "Ummmm.... excuse me Speed Racer. You are not finished." It's now, that I notice he's standing in there with his hair a giagantic lather of soap. "I know I'm not finished. I shut off the water to save the planet." Oh. "Well....good for you. Carry on." Suddenly, I feel like a big ozone depleting smoke stack.

In the history of my mind, it can't possibly be 20 years. But, a Husband, a couple of kids, a mortgage, and these damn wrinkles prove it. The decision is made at the last minute to go. Last minute decisions do not allow for any preparation. So. No time to cover the grey. No spray tan. No dashing new attire. No 6 week gym boot camp. No time to try to look like my Facebook profile picture. Perfect. Ahhh...yes. Facebook. Your existence had an interesting effect on the High School reunion. We already know everything about each other. All hail voyeurism. I already know...* You went to Cancun for Christmas. You're thinking about getting a dog. You bought the cutest flip flops EVER . You're pissed that the ( enter any professional sports team here ) lost. You think you may very well divorce your husband cuz the Christmas lights are still up. You had wine and ice cream for dinner because you can. You think text jargon is hideous. You know I'm a...

I have boys. For some reason when the whole Tooth Fairy thing first raised it's ugly head I decided to use the pronoun "he" when referring to the mythical beast. So, it's a boy. Who is a fairy. Yep, that's right. Kid One losses his first tooth. An epic moment as a child. Being new, first time parents, we had a plan. Charts, graphs, a playbook, money, a special note from "Him". We nailed it every time. High fiving each other, lots of self congratulations. Brilliant. Then Kid Two came along.... His first Tooth Fairy experience was at four. An extraction, due to a rambunctious game of tag played on a tiled floor. Face, meet floor. I hadn't even talked about the Tooth Fairy yet. So, he got the Cliffs Notes version. Kid Two puts his tooth under his pillow. Nighty Night. In the morning, when I go to wake him, I realize "The Tooth Fairy" forgot. Not brilliant. I pillage Husbands wallet. Nothing smaller than a twenty. ...

Once upon a time there was a Husband who was fantastically competitive. It entertained his wife to no end how a simple thing like tossing a ball of paper into the trash became an Olympic event. If someone dare declare, "It can't be done", the games would begin. Wife got a front row seat to the extreme "WHO CAN HIT THE PINE CONE IN THE LAKE FROM THE TOP DECK WITH THEIR EYES CLOSED" event. Her Hero. Brilliant Wife decided she would make this character trait work to her advantage. "I'll bet you can't fold all of those clothes." "I'll bet you can't do all  of those dishes." And this is how savvy Wife got her Laundry Fairy and her Dish Fairy. The End.

Why is it, when I have plenty of time, t hat is when I'm late? If I sleep through my alarm, I'm a Jedi. I can throw myself together. Dump just the right amount of coffee into my system. Gather up kids, lunches, backpacks, cell phones, iPods, headphones. Unplug the iron, flat iron, hairdryer. Grab a Monster. Set the alarm. And not forget a single thing.

I do not belong in the hallowed halls of Bergdorf or Saks.The shopping gene has missed me, somehow. Roaming the isles of a department store is just not joyous. Searching the racks for a clever find? Lost upon me. I'm no Carrie Bradshaw. More like a Bella Swan, only not so tortured and brooding. .....and I would have chosen Jacob. Yes, Patricia. I know you are cringing at this moment and wondering how we can possibly be friends. Target. Costco. This is where you will find me. I can get laundry detergent, a flashlight, coffee-Monster-wine(in that order) AND a cute hoodie. It's like a religious experience. This kind of "shopping" makes me giddy. I feel victorious gathering necessities like milk and eggs. I feel extra triumphant when I can throw in socks, a garden hose and king crab legs. Maybe it's laziness. Maybe it's impatience. I love the Warehouse store. I love Targét. I love to eat where they have a picture menu. .... but that'...