Life According to Me

I'd like a do over on my wedding vows. The traditional stuff is good, but it's a little vague.  Love, honor, sickness, health, good times, bad, joy, sorrow. It's a parade of opposites. My do over would include some more specific promises. I'd like to be explicitly certain, no matter how angry my betrothed is with me, he will never ever clean the toilet with my tooth brush. We'd vow to not take each others cold spots in bed. He would promise to  never point out that all my black shoes look the same.  I, in turn, will vow never to complain when he drives like an idiot. I'd promise never to sigh heavily when he changes the channel every 8 seconds, so we are literally watching everything at once .  We'd vow to always pick each other first in a game of dodgeball, and offer each other a bite of our dessert. We would promise to argue a fair amount, because making up is always great. In times of top ramen or filet mignon, we will always use cloth n

The self check out, at the market, is an anxiety inducing experience.  I'm fith in the "normal" line when I notice a store employee guiding other customers to the self check. I busy myself with my phone, my child, the lint floating in the air, anything to not make eye contact with her.  She's determined. Great. "Excuse me, the self check is open. You don't have to wait." She tries to coax me. "Oh. Thank you. I'm good here. I like waiting."  The anxiety is setting in.  " Nobody likes to wait?! Here...." Now she's pulling my cart to the self check. "There ya go." Yessssss. Thank you Captain Helpful. Crap. Suddenly I don't know what language I speak, and the voice from the machine says I've placed an unauthorized item in the bagging area.   What?! I haven't even begun?!  And what the hell do I do with an apple....I'm looking up codes. Golden Delicious, Granny Smith, Gala.... Ahhhh HA ... F

Oh.....the OnStar lady, and her liquid voice. Thankfully I've never had to use it for an emergency, only for making calls. I'm convinced smoke signals or a carrier pigeon would be a faster, more efficient system. By the time I get Ms. OnStar to understand me, I'm ready to reach into the space from which her voice comes and wring her sexy little neck. Welcome to OnStar.... Dial Phone Number to Dial Please....( she's polite ) 555-1234 896234897512365, yes or no.......? No I'm sorry....? ( she's so VERY polite ) NO Slower please.....( ENOUGH WITH THE MANNERS!! ) NoooooOOOooooooahhhh Okay, Let's try again.... So I give her another chance, and try to articulate each number precisely as she does, thinking she will understand because I'm speaking her language five.  five.  five.  one.  two.  three.  four. Slower please.. .. Arrrrrhgghghghhhh!!!! Thank You, Goodbye. She hung up on me. She hung up on me ?!

In Honor of my Anti-Valentine's Day position.... I don't need an extra special day of hearts and a fat little man-child in diapers shooting arrows to say I love you. Tuesday of any week suits me fine. DO NOT buy me roses. One, they're urbane, predictable and reek of douchebaggery. Two, the flower brainiacs over at Greedyville  are laughing all the way to the bank at the $150 you laid down on their cheesy perennial shrub. No fancy dinner at Chez Drop It Like It's Hot .  Again...urbane and predictable, and not my style. No silly card that sings Unchained Melody when I open it. Please have an original thought. Regurgitating is wretched. No giant upholstered box of candy.  I will cry. Do you realize how many miles that is at the gym?!?! Random and quirky. Thankfully, my husband celebrates and accepts this. He gave me flip flops on Thursday, wrapped in Christmas paper. Yep....he gets me .♥

                     I finally got Ove Gloves for Christmas. And while I look like Mickey Mouse's 5th cousin twice removed while wearing them, I'd say they are life changing.   Aside from being made to fit someone with hands the size of a side of beef, I love them. Removing cookies from the oven is a breeze and I don't have to waste anymore time waiting for the light bulb to cool before replacing it.  I have control and protection and that's priceless. Thanks, Ove Glove.

Very cute. Very deceptive. A very cute, very deceptive shower invite coupled with my own glorious experience has prompted this post. The images we see of pregnant women are NOT what you're really going look like when you are pregnant. Unless, of course you're a supermodel, or your metabolism is friends with Speedy Gonzales.  And after a 10 month  vacation from diet land, chances are, your're not going to slip back into your skinny jeans when you leave the hospital. Banish that little fantasy now. Save yourself the terrifying agony of trying to squash your butt into anything other than your designer maternity denim. Remember....as your belly grows, so does your booty. It's got to. If it didn't, you'd fall flat on your face.....I'm convinced. You may have had the grand pleasure of knowing someone who falls in the supermodel category. My condolences . I've known her, too.  The one who wears her skinny jeans home, shot out her little cherub in record

Lazy  Dear Jenn, You and I have a very special bond. I am your favorite. I know because  you whispered it to me once. I don't mind being trapped in that dark  closet with the coats and tubes of wrapping paper. I don't mind,  because everday, without fail, you take me out for a spin around the  house. Making happy lines on the carpet with you is bliss. I do, however, have one request. When we're all done playing, can you  PLEASE wrap my cord up properly? What's the deal with the big cord  wreath you hang on my neck? Is it THAT time consuming to wrap it up neat? Is the little up down around around motion a learned skill? Well.....start LEARNING. Love From The Closet, Dyson

I have a very small collection of friends. I'm more about quality than quantity. Plus, it's too friggin' hard to juggle a whole gaggle of girlfriends, and damnit....I'm just  not that talented. "Friend, who blasts crazy weird music for the pure enjoyment of embarrassing their kids" "Friend who show's em' what she's made of when the kiddos mess up her just made bed" "Friend who carries a box of Pine Tar Soap in her purse, just in case of potty talk" "Friend who allows playdough on 'clean the floor days', ONLY" "Friend who is excellent at navigating 'traffic'" You all know who you are.... Some have been disguised here in my postings, and I thank them for letting me share their moments of awesomness weather they want me to or not. Thanks for.... listening keeping your mouth shut laughing at me laughing with me telling me like it is telling me that you ate cookies so I don't f

Pardon me while I climb into something more sarcastic than usual..... When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.  Every cloud has a silver lining.  One door closes another one opens. It ain't over till the fat lady sings.  All the nice little things we say to console ourselves. Well.....I'm about ready to drag that lady's arse on stage, stick my hand in the back of her head, flick her uvula and make that chick  SING ! Now back to your regularly scheduled program....