Life According to Me

"Hey Moooooooom. Do we have any bananas?" Crap. "Noooooo. Choose something else..." Mental note.....GET. BANANAS. The very next time I'm at the market, I grab a nice bunch with a little green still left in them. I plop them in the fruit bowl....right on top. Pretty. Announcement. " Hey guys....there's bananas!!!" Good Mom. Week one. Week Two. Week Three. There they sit...perched atop the fruit bowl....untouched. My pretty, once slightly green Chiquitas... forgotten . Ignored. Brown " Hey mom. Theses bananas are gross. Can you get some more   next time your at the store?" Sigh... "Sure." Mental note....YOU. ARE. A. SUCKER.

Cupboard Shopping~ V. The desperate act of digging through your pantry in search of any random items that will come together as a delicious amazing meal. This form of shopping is in lieu of driving your butt to the grocery store. Of course cupboard shopping will not do if there is no wine. That's when you put your desperate arse in the car and head to the market.

I'm a book group drop out. It's not that I don't like to read, or get together with friends and drink some wine..... I'm just not book group material. I don't like talking about what I read. I don't like picking apart the plot or the characters. I don't like trying to figure out the deeper meaning. I don't like the books... ever. There I said it. While I will miss the excuse to get away for an evening of wine, yummy food and friends.... It's not you, It's me.....the end.

Making/ decorating/ packaging cookies. Be back shortly...♥

Kid Two is 7. We are having a conversation about braces. He is the poster child for braces. He tells me he's concerned about how they take them off. He says it is "nasty". "How do you know this??" I ask. " Youtube ." Kid Two is 7. I'm writing, and wonder, aloud, how to spell a word. From the other room, Kid Two shouts... " Google it ." When I was 7 I had a Viewmaster and Speak & Spell.

I saw a young, first time mom at the grocery store. I knew she was a first time mom, because she had one of those shopping cart protector things and giant bottle of hand sanitizer clipped to her bag.  Her daughter had a sun hat, sunglasses, and an invisible force field to protect her from a strangers stray sneeze or cough. First time mommy right of passage. It made me think back to when my own kids were brand new, and our initial baby steps back into everyday life...  My first outing with Kid One was to his first doctor visit. I got myself ridiculously over dressed and packed the diaper bag like we were going on safari. I felt victorious as I stepped out into the sunlight. Then he spit up an entire bottle of milk right down the front and back of me.  I stepped back inside. Sat on the couch. And ugly cried. My first outing with Kid Two was 5 days after he was born.  I still looked pregnant. Nothing fit, and I was puffy...like I had eaten a entire salt lick for break

Prior to  leaving on a long car trip. Prior to arriving in the front doors of Target/Costco... There is an announcement. "Go to the bathroom NOW. There will be NO stopping. There will be NO detour." Out of fear of wetting themselves, Kid One and Two follow these orders religiously. Two hours into a very long car trip....who has to pee? Me. All the way, deep into the bowels of the Costco refrigerator...who has to pee?? Me. In the middle of the snowy forrest, while chucking snowballs...who has to pee??? Me. Apparently it's time to for me to STOP! Collaborate and listen.....to my own propaganda, and get in line for the loo , too.

What's totally embarrassing?  Realizing I've had my leggings on inside out.... all day .  Leggings with seams and a little tag at the bottom that scream "I'M INSIDE OUT EVERYONE! SHE HAS NO IDEA!!?....LOOK AT ME!!"  AND .... Only realizing this as I'm about to get out of the car to pick up kid two at school. It was a long walk of shame....