Life According to Me

I have a bowling ball closet. Well, actually every closet in my house is a bowling ball closet. You know that place you shove....well.... everything . Some of you my not understand this because you are freaks of nature( i love you all, deeply ) and have a place for everything. I can relate to that on a certain level. Like the milk, for instance. The milk has a place. The refrigerator. It's things like tubes of wrapping paper, photo albums, the vacuum cleaner, the chia Obama someone thought I couldn't live without. It's these random things I just shove. Imma shit shover, imma shit shover. I will shove shit.... wherever it'll fit.  I hoped, that someday, by osmosis, The Joan gene would kick in, and I would magically be organized. I'd suddenly have olympic skills with the labeler and know exactly where that box of Ticonderoga #2.5 pencils was. I'd Have a mini Costco in my garage, so I'd never have to borrow toilet paper from my neighbor again. I'm ab...

It's Girls Scout cookie season, and how is it that I don't know a single crack dealer Girl Scout?!   I must have Thin Mints. I must have Thin Mints. I MUST HAVE THIN MINTS! I'd rather buy from someone I know....I guess I'll have to hit up the dealers in front of the grocery store. This is somewhat unnerving, considering I don't have any of their beeper numbers. But a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do. When I get them home, I will eat an entire stack, carefully, one at a time. The anticipation is almost unbearable..... I am an addict. Got Thin Mints?

Dear Steve Jobs, I have a borderline creepy love affair with my iPhone, I have an iMac, Apple TV and I think I may have evolved into some kind of iHuman.  Apple makes me happy...... buuuut. ....I don't get your new gaget, the iPad.  Am I missing something here? It's a giant iPod Touch. A wee bit reminiscent of Zack Morris' cinder block of a cell phone. It seems, chronologically, out of order in the history of electronic devices. It's like a macbook and an iTouch had a toddler. Am I supposed to carry it in my purse? Or maybe it will come with straps, and I can wear it on my back. Will you make giant bedazzled covers for it? Aside from the vast entertainment value of it's name, the genius who dubbed it should loose all lowercase "i" privileges and be banished to the land of PC. Not hating, just stating. Love You, Regardless. Forever and Always.... iJenn

I can remember the first phone number I ever had, my high school locker combination, my Brownie Troop number and the Girl Scout Pledge. I remember the name of my first soccer coach, my best childhood friends address, and to change the oil in my car. I always remember hair appointments, Birthday's, payday and to feed the cat. I can NEVER remember dental appointments. EVER.  I have a mental dental block. They send me post a card 6 months before, 3 months before, and a call the day before on the house phone and on my cell.  THEN, I get a phone call  on the day of   the appointment, 15 min. after my appointment time. I see who it is on the CID.....only THEN do I remember. I throw the kids in the car and head, in shame, to the office. The disdain is palpable. Oy. When checking out they ask, I'm certain in jest , "Should we send you a reminder?" I say, "Actually I'm hoping you could send a van with a giant tooth on top driven by a thug who will come to my house, ...

Here's the worst feeling in the world.  Plowing through a tube of  Salt and Vinegar Pringles, and eating the last one without realizing you've eaten the last one. No last chip satisfaction. This can happen with cookies, pretzles and pickles, as well.

I'm at the gym with my husband. It's nice to have a sidekick. He's running on the treadmill beside me. I glance over at him and notice two things;  One- He's far too close to the back of the machine. If he flies off and eats floor, I will probably pretend I don't know him. Two- He's holding his hands in a strange way. Like he's giving the hang loose sign....thumbs up, pinky's down...pumping away. In that moment it occurs to me... .th at looks weir d . He's got his headphones in and I can't get his attention to poke fun. Later that night he asks, did I look alright on the treadmill today. Awwww. Bless his sweet, hot little heart.  "Yeah. You looked good " I say, all full of kissy face innuendo. "But what's the deal with your hands?" I can actually see him running back the moment in his mind.  "Oh. My. GOD ." Says he, now visually disturbed at his recollection. "Yeah. I was thinking, what's up with tha...

My appreciation for my mother continues to multiply as I experience my own musings and outrages as a mother myself.  Back in the day, when I was a kid, my mother had, what now seems, an endless cache of patients. Of course at the time, I thought she was like totally not fair ! She never screamed or yelled or lost her cool. She rarely played the Dad card, and never once laid a hand on us. She could, however,   chuck a wicked flip flop down the hall...around the corner...and never miss. I think it was her super power. Her spidey senses were sharp. They aided her in always knowing (well....maybe not always ) what I was up to. She once chased after a car she thought contained me, only to loose the muffler off of Auntie's station wagon as they "Duke's Of Hazzard-ed" it over the railroad tracks. Old school. She made dinner every night, and it was always delicious. She did it all , without a cell phone or the internet  or remote controls or chicken nuggets. She never ...

It seems irony has decided to set up camp in my life. Today I was totally late taking my son to school. Of course it's been raining and the carpool line is extra long and people are extra stupid. I have to park, jaywalk through traffic and walk him to the gate. He gives me knuckles and he's on his merry little way. Whew. Now I'm extra late for work. I only have to tackle one traffic light, I figure I'll be alright. The light skips my turn twice . If I was texting I'd have felt like I won the lottery. But, I'm LATE. It's stopped raining, so I forget to bring my umbrella in with me. It doesn't even occur to me until it's time to leave. I open the door to head to my car that is parked a nice good distance up the street. Straight down, pouring, GIANT rain. The street looks like it's boiling. If I was a reasonable, practical girl, I'd have worn shoes conducive to this kind of weather. But I am insane, and wear flip flops.   I live in California. ...

I don't watch television, much. Not because I'm some esoteric lofty thinking nut job. Rather, I'm impatient. If I want to feel enlightened, I'll read. If I'm going to sit for any period of time, idle, I want to feast my eyes upon something craptastic . Due to my hibernation, I've discovered guilty train wreck pleasure, du jour....Jersey Shore. Here's what I've deciphered so far.... I've learned all about Guidos and Guidettes and how to be one. I now know the importance of GTL(gym, tan, laundry) and the reason for that order. I don't ever want to be a "stage 5 clinger" or have a "stage 5 clinger". It''s all about being the sweetest bitch ever....but making sure no one friggin' effs with me. I realize the importance of a guido/guidette name and have dubbed myself "J-Popp". I know whenever I go down to "creep" or "commit robberies" on the boardwalk, I should don my very best, Ed...

Birthday Wish List By Kid Two Teenager Glasses Volcom Kid Clothes iPod iPhone Blue Headphones Deodorant This is what happens when you're 6, and your brother is 8.5  years older than you.....

We are sitting at the table of a Chinese Food restaurant we have never patronized. They have paper placemats adorned with the Chinese Zodiac. Noah thinks it's the menu. He leans over to me and asks in a confused, horrified whisper...." Why would they put dragon on the menu??? They have rat?!?" Good GOD, I hope not...

The hood in which I live, is tight. We  are super nosy  look out for each other. If Neighbor Bob's yard guy shows up on Tuesday....that's suspicious, because Neighbor Bob gets his grass cut once a month on Saturday. You follow? Today, an alarm company van is parked in front of my, "wildly witty" neighbor's house. I send her a text, because I'm  nosy  aware. Me: "Is the alarm company supposed to be at your house? Just being nosy  checking." Her: "NO!! Go over there!!! Me: "Shit...Okay..." I drive over and sit in my car in her driveway.  Alarm company guy gets out and walks over to me. "I'm here for an appointment." oh reeeeaaaaalllly. "Well.... my friend should be here shortly. I'm meeting her." "Okaaaaayyyy...", says alarm guy and walks back to van. Next text..... Me: "He says you have an appointment??!?!?" NOW, my husband pulls up. Sideways, screeching tires, wearing his bad ...

Dear Noisy Gym Guy, I applaud your enthusiasm.  You climbed on the treadmill and promptly sprinted for 15 minutes,  solid . No warm up. Did not pass go. Did not collect $200......Impressive. Your pattern of shouting "URRRRRGHHHA" with heavy chant breathing in between.... just a little strange . I seriously thought you were injured the first couple of times, or that maybe I was being punked. And being that you climbed on beside me with five empty machines on either side, made me very aware of the heads turning to look "our" way. I turned my music up so I wouldn't be tempted to shoot you strange looks every thirty seconds.  The kicker was, you weren't wearing headphones. I can't even give you that . Oye, my turrets  running buddy...... In a strange way, it was slightly inspiring, you and your great noisy sprint to nowhere. Love Always, Your Silent Wingman (kisses)

High metabolism Patients Insight Hindsight Foresight BK(before kids) Version of Boobies BK Version of Brain Housekeeper Six pack of abs Spidey senses Rainbow Pot of gold Jedi mind tricks Eyes for the back of my head Giant sack of naps Willpower Doughnuts, Coffee , Wine and Brie, because some things are not just a fantasy, but a necessity.

It's January 11th.  Sixteen Days past the traditional packing away of Christmas.  And what still stands in all it's bedazzled glory in my living room. My tree. It stands there mocking me with it's presence. Doesn't it know that in this house, Christmas cometh and Christmas goeth?!  Adios. Au revoir. Arrivederci.  Buh-bye. It received a stay this year. My lucky little conifer rang in the new year, went back to school, and at this point looks like it will be enjoying the Monday holiday that is Martin Luther King Day. Maybe it will become a sort of reverse "flat stanley".  We'll bring it trinkets from our travels. Take photos with it at Easter and in summer when it's 110º. Good GOD help me if I haven't pulled myself together enough  by THEN to put it out of MY misery.  Happy Merry Fourth of July, anyone???

The dumbest argument I've ever had involved toilet paper, and who did or didn't change the roll last. My favorite kitchen utiensil is my knife shaped rubber spatula I got at the dollar store. I would love to win an unlimited free shopping spree to Sephora. All Hail lip gloss. If I were a car, I'd be a Karmann Ghia. When I was young, I got into LOADS of trouble for my grades and lying about where I was. I LOVE to eat, so I HAVE to exercise. I'm addicted to flossing. Sometimes I don't wash my face before I go to bed because I'm too lazy. I get pissed at my husband if he takes my cold spots in bed. But forgive quickly, cuz  he brings me my coffee every morning....just how I like it. In my next life I'd like to come back as Hugh Heffner, cuz I just don't get it , and maybe I'll be enlightened. I like to dip my grilled cheese in ketchup. It's my favorite sandwich. If I could do something dangerous just once without risk,  I...

I am a sheet snob. I really have no business being one. It's an addiction, actually. My name is Jenn, and I'd rather sleep on tacks than crappy sheets . Ignorance is not bliss in the important case of bed linens. Before my great discovery, I'd put not one iota of thought into the purchase of sheets. The cheaper, the better. After all, they're only to sleep on. Today, those words make me throw up in  my mouth, a little. Hhhuhuurrr. Thread count. Muy, muy importanté.  That's spanish for, "Pay very close attention to what I'm about to say".  At the very least, 500 thread count is acceptable. Personally, I lust after 1000TC egyptian cotton.  The end all, be all in my fantasy world of sheets. Delicious. Sinful. Yes...I am an addict. I may need rehab. They better have good sheets....

Do people hibernate? I'm convinced we do. Or I've just decided this is the reason for my wanting to stay under the covers and become a professional snoozer. The fact that I haven't seen the sun in 8 days and it hasn't been balmier than 45º has driven my inner bear-ness. I live in a cloud. Really. This town is officially a cloud. And not a pretty, billowy cumulonimbus cloud. More like a big, heavy, grey, damp blanket of a cloud. Blah. Wake me when it's spring....

It's after dinner. Kids in bed. I'm sitting next to my husband on the couch having a glass of wine. He has just peeled the foil top off of a yogurt. He scoops out a spoonful and before he puts it in his mouth, he says, in a Lion-King-Presenting-Simba kind of way, "PROTIEN."   Huh...Th at was weird . I turn to him and ask, "Do you say that every time?"   "Yep. Every time. It's protien. I like to remind myself." I reflect upon this for a moment. Then take my glass of wine, hold it before myself, and say, in his same ceremonious kind of way, "FRUIT." Hmmmm. Maybe NOT so weird.

Monday. First day back to life after 16 days of total willy-nilly-ness. I put myself to bed at 9 dreading the 4 o'clock alarm. 11:00pm, and I'm wide awake. I can smell the sabotage...myself hates myself. I try solitaire on my phone. Got in some good practice. A new high score! 12:30am.  A little Stephen King might do the trick. 3:00 am. Egads. Ring the nurse for my caffine drip, please. Sometime shortly after my realization that I've completely sabotaged myself, I find sleep. And shortly after that,  my alarm screams at me....well, actually it played the harp, but  really loud. Hello Monday. I didn't miss YOU at all.

Ever had that moment, when your kids were young, playing at the playground and the spawn of another messes with your kid. Let's say they throw sand in the eyes of your child, or destroy their carefully crafted sandcastle. Ever knelt gently beside your child to console him, while ever so cautiously glaring directly into the eyes of the offender and saying through clenched teeth...." There's no such thing as Santa, you little troll. " Have you ever?